Across The River (2013)

Reasons for not writing reviews.

Sometimes the words ain’t flowing. Try as I might, nothing comes to mind other than regret for wasting a day off on poor quality entertainment.

On other occasions I may surf until my hand cramps and end up watching nothing—none of the pithy descriptions inspiring event a tentative look.

Not to put too fine a point on it folks, but it can be a chore to find source material worthy of extended coherent thought.

So it’s been a minute or two. My sincere apologies.

Like a desperate angler, though, I’m happy to report I finally hooked a specimen that inspired further study, an eerie Italian curiosity called Across The River, written and directed by Lorenzo Bianchini.

Warning! Even for a slow-burner, this one is real pokey. My advice is to stick with it, because there are treasures to be uncovered, and Bianchini succeeds wildly in creating a number of creepy scenes.

Biologist Marco Contrada (Marco Marchese) is hunkered down in a remote forested area near the Slovenian border, gathering data about the nocturnal habits of wildlife.

Marco duly checks and repairs his trail cameras, making recorded observations along the way, and eventually succeeds in strapping a small camera to a captured fox.

After tracking the fox, the curious scientist stumbles upon an abandoned village littered with the remains of gruesome animal kills that appear to be alarmingly recent.

Across The River is rock-solid on mood and atmosphere, as Marco, the clinical observer becomes the one being watched by a pair of malevolent beings.

Bianchini makes use of minimal color adjustments throughout, with darkness having the impenetrable quality of a nightmare from the past that threatens to envelope the hapless scientist.

The brooding black and white footage is broken up by splashes of red, both blood and viscera, as Bianchini blends horrible history with present danger.

I want you to watch Across The River and revel in its cursed landscape. It’s a film that grinds slowly, but surely, on a memorable mission to mess with your mind.

Widow’s Bay (2026)

If you’re late to the game, Widow’s Bay has been picked up for a second season by Apple TV! Hooray!

Fright fans are flocking to Widow’s Bay and with good reason. It’s an all-you-can-eat buffet of small-town terrors that somehow walks the finest line between horror and comedy imaginable.

Even the choice of font used in the title (Horror Paperback?) smells authentic to my nose.

Matthew Rhys (The Americans) is inspirational as Tom Loftis, the beleaguered mayor of the titular island town that may well be the most heavily cursed real estate on the East Coast.

His job, trying to get the island’s populace to tone down the spook talk while entertaining prosperous tourists proves an impossible task, but a highly amusing one.

Loftis does his darndest to disavow and debunk the many, many legends that plague Widow’s Bay, but soon realizes he’s in over his head against witches, hags, ghosts, undead killers, haunted fog, and an entire town of charming eccentrics that seem to be better informed on occult matters than he is.

Tom’s trusty assistant Patricia (Kate O’Flynn, who steals scenes, left and right), survived a murderous rampage by local maniac the Boogeyman, while she was a teenager, but finds him back in her life as an adult.

Lonely Patricia feels guilt about the girls who died, wondering why she was spared. The learning of lessons and the potential for personal growth amidst the vivid nightmare scenarios gives Widow’s Bay an extra gear, as we cheer Patricia’s steely determination in dealing with an uncanny enemy.

The third pivotal character is Wyck (Stephen Root), a, crusty, but well-read fisherman with a head full of arcane knowledge, including harrowing details of the original curse that befell Widow’s Bay hundreds of years ago.

There are satchels of intriguing subplots in the mix, but the one that affects everyone is the matter of whether or not you were born on the island—and what happens to people who try to leave.

Widow’s Bay is a big bowl of mystery with enough ghoulish garnish to tickle the fancy of folks in search of their next quality horror hang.

Series creator Katie Dippold is a former Parks and Rec writer, and clearly has a knack for birthing oddball and outré citizens that somehow steal our hearts.

Looking forward to Season 2, but a rewatch of the first is recommended. Lots of stuff going on here.

Life (2017)

Less.

Lifeless would be a more accurate title.

Even with Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson, and Ryan Reynolds attached as astronauts in distress, this one never reaches orbit, and instead achieves only minimal trajectory.

Six crew members on the International Space Station discover a single-cell organism among recent samples from Mars. What starts out as a wondrous moment, the meeting of intelligent life forms, quickly becomes another bug hunt, when everyone freaks out.

The astronauts get popped off one by one, as the rapidly adaptable alien known as Calvin, decides the crew is expendable.

The creature effects are decent, giving Calvin a gliding tadpole-starfish-octopoid fluidity through the thin atmosphere as it chases down its prey.

Unfortunately, it’s not frightening, so there’s little tension at play, even as the two survivors race for the escape pods on a space station that’s set for self destruction.

As silver linings go, Life is at least good to look at. The modeling and effects techs do a bang-up job. The International Space Station registers strongly as both a vast and miraculous piece of technology, and a potential tomb that’s getting smaller all the time.

To his credit, director Daniel Espinosa handles the effects deftly, but the script by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick is a lemon, unfolding in all-too-familiar fashion—with one exception.

The end of Life is not a happy one. Is it worth sitting through the rest for a mighty grim payoff?

I’m trending negative on this issue.

Scathing (2016)

Perhaps Florida filmmaker Joseph Mazzafero was anticipating negative reviews?

I actually saw Scathing several years ago but somehow the memory didn’t burn bright enough for me to recollect, whilst sifting through Tubi’s generous inventory of low-budget indie horror.

Rebellious teen Amanda (Allie Sparks) is lured out of her house at 3am by horny boyfriend Adam (Michael Frascino) and driven out to a secluded petting spot for an all-night make-out sesh.

Upon awakening, still knackered from too much tonsil hockey, they discover that the car won’t start, so Adam calls his buddy Steve (Chris Shepardson) to come and fix it.

Steve soon arrives with Daisy Duke-clad Stephanie (Paola Duque), and after declaring Adam’s car “a piece of shit” proceeds to get stoned and tell a long stupid joke about a cat.

The cast is then set upon by a very tall, long-haired dude in a welder’s helmet (John Kyle), who makes short work of Steve and carries Stephanie off to the wood shop for some sicky-icky torture porn that culminates in a spike through the forehead.

While the killer takes Stephanie apart, Adam and Amanda await their turn locked in the car. For like three days. No food, no water, no pee, no poop.

The idea that the maniac might return at any moment causes paralysis of the mind and body, apparently. Couldn’t they have just run for it?

Too risky, I guess.

Adam finally grows a spine and steps out of the car—and is immediately taken by the towering weirdo back to the shed for an extreme vasectomy, the results of which are proudly displayed by the giant to the gawking Amanda.

There are plenty more lurid twists afoot in Scathing, and you can find them in Wrong Turn and Psycho. Here then is a buffet of bone basic brutality, that includes a baby in the microwave, with a WTF ending that doesn’t clarify shit.

Does the killer get away? It doesn’t matter, because you won’t.

What Lives Here (2024)

Nice to have something to fall back on.

What Lives Here, a gore-strewn bloodbath about a hapless moving company hired to clear out a haunted house, is co-written (along with his wife Michele), directed, and starring New Jersey construction boss Troy Burbank, who deserves mention alongside other inspired dilettante filmmakers.

I can’t help but think of Harold P. Warren, the Texas fertilizer salesman responsible for Manos: The Hands of Fate, for instance, or welder Anthony Cardoza partnering up with Coleman Francis to make stupefying entertainment like The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) and Red Zone Cuba (1966).

For a paltry $25,000, Burbank and a bunch of his friends filmed in and around the Strauss Mansion in Atlantic Highlands for 10 days and the result is What Lives Here, a movie that takes its sweet time about getting anywhere, but erupts with enough bloody mayhem to justify its existence.

There is a story here, about evil twins escaping from a mental hospital and taking up residence in the very house that Lee Duncan (Jeff Swanton) and his band of blue-collar boobs are scheduled to clean out.

But let’s not rush into anything. First, Duncan and his men have to drive from Pennsylvania to New Jersey for the job. This means stopping at a crummy dive bar to eat cheeseburgers for like eight minutes.

One character uses this opportunity to “go take a piss.” And the camera follows him!

Then they arrive at the mansion, and immediately leave again to go get something to eat, leading to another long sequence of beer drinking and crap dialogue.

Meanwhile, a delivery man and a nosy teen stop by and fall victim to one of the murderous grannies running amok in the old house that also very obviously serves as a local historical society, since there are glass display cases and newspaper clippings in every room!

The movers themselves and the Barfly Bettys they meet at the second bar and bring home to be eviscerated, are beer-swilling, working-class zeroes that have nothing on their minds but sex, food, and a paycheck, by gawd.

In other words, easy pickings for old ladies in their nightgowns. Indeed, the deaths carry What Lives Here, as the makeup effects of bodies being hammered, stabbed, and sliced, are actually worth sitting through the abundant blue-collar B-roll.

Even a construction boss director knows you’ve got to deliver the gross goods, or get outta the horror business.

Outpost (2008)

Somewhere in Eastern Europe, government forces are battling insurgents in an unending cycle of carnage.

In Outpost, Hunt (Julian Wadham), a determined financier employs mercenary captain DC (Ray Stevenson) and a band of “hired swords” to accompany him on a hazardous mission to retrieve a piece of Nazi hardware from an underground compound.

Shortly after securing the site, the soldiers find themselves under attack by an unseen enemy, one that can seemingly appear and disappear at will, which makes for a very nervous company.

Meanwhile, Hunt has found his infernal device, risking life and limb to jumpstart an ancient contraption in order to control undead Nazi hordes that are rapidly regrouping on the ground floor.

“You said that that machine of yours was made to control them?” DC shouts at Hunt.

“Not control, contain,” Hunt says. “But they obviously got the maths wrong.”

Director and cowriter Steve Barker correctly understands that Germany’s rumored use of occult practices toward the end of the war is a well-stocked pond of possibilities, and makes the most of it.

After a slow start, Outpost gains momentum as the mercenaries realize they’re up against an opponent beyond their comprehension—an army of teleporting super soldiers that have held their position since the end of the Second World War.

Fortunately, they aren’t advancing. Yet.

Backcountry (2014)

Hey tenderfoot romantics!

Backcountry, written and directed by Toronto filmmaker Adam McDonald (Pyewacket), is based on a true story, and serves as a perfect illustration as to why couples in crisis should avoid the great outdoors.

Relationships are already subject to unimaginable stressors at the moment, from within and without. The idea that some magical symbiosis will take place around a campfire or running terrified through tall timber is laughably naive.

This captivating notion is dangled in front of the endangered duo as they paddle their canoe into a wilderness that is indeed beautiful. They even pass a happy, smiling mirror-image couple in their own canoe, heading back to civilization.

Sweetheart yuppies Alex (Jeff Roop) and Jenn (Missy Peregrym) are on a camping trip in a remote Canadian park. So far, so good.

Like most men in charge of movie expeditions, Alex is a poor choice for leadership. After arrogantly dismissing the need for a map, he gets them lost in a rogue black bear’s feeding ground.

For about the first 40 minutes, Backcountry is more of a relationship on the rocks/adventure film—until the bear enters the picture.

Once blood is shed, it’s buckle-up survival horror that explodes with very valid and very real terror on a painfully primordial level.

McDonald accentuates the panicky state of affairs with dizzying rotation shots that emphasize the lack of familiar landmarks and the growing uncertainty of Alex and Jenn.

The last third of Backcountry is super intense and frightening, because we have traveled a fair distance with these characters and their relatable idiosyncrasies, and a definite emotional investment has been made on our part.

While Alex apologizes for the umpteenth time, for getting them into this mess, Jenn tries to soothe his guilt, by telling him, “Could be worse. At least we’re together.”

It gets worse. Backcountry is a tense place to pitch your tent.


The Prey (1983)

Somewhere amidst a monsoon of nature insert shots, filmmaker Edwin S. Brown managed to cobble together The Prey, a tedious Dead Camper drama of the sort that turned up in plentitude post Friday The 13th.

This isn’t a buried treasure or an overlooked gem. The Prey has more padding than the Philadelphia Eagles.

If you were to take a shot of whiskey each time Brown cuts away from the actors to show spiders, snakes, millipedes, ants, vultures, woodpeckers, frogs, and other woodland creatures, you will be unconscious long before the scarred giant killer (Carel Struycken, Lurch from The Addams Family) appears on the screen.

We can tell he’s there, though. His stupid heartbeat thumps wildly every few minutes. Just the heartbeat. Saves time and money on makeup (and tension).

As it stands, we get to know three vapid couples on a wilderness getaway being stalked by the mysterious survivor of a long ago forest fire.

The choices that Edwin Brown makes in order to further the plot can be blamed on the wee budget, with a chunk of change undoubtedly going to pay Jackie Coogan (Uncle Fester from a different The Addams Family) in his final film role as Ranger Lester Tile, who burns up the screen eating a cucumber sandwich in one the movie’s most pivotal scenes.

For sheer artistic goofiness, Brown’s decision to feature Ranger Mark O’Brien (Jackson Bostwick) playing a lengthy banjo solo and telling one of the world’s oldest (and slowest) jokes to a deer, demonstrates considerable artistic chutzpah in a rather barren entertainment landscape.

The anemic narrative actually gets pepped up when Joel (Steve Bond) shares the ancient tale of The Monkey’s Paw around the campfire. To his credit, he tells it reasonably well.

The only time The Prey gets truly horrifying is the ending, as Final Girl Nancy (Debbie Thureson) gets carried away to a cave to start a family with a huge murderous freak.

That’s some bullshit. No way she deserved that! But perhaps that’s why Edwin Brown included so many unpleasant shots of critters eating each other—it’s all part of nature’s eternal cycle of death and renewal.

Ewww. Gross.

Creep (2014)

Mark Duplass is a funny guy.

You may know him as Brendan Deslaurier, the mega-sensitive male midwife from The Mindy Project, or as Pete Eckhart, a member of The League, a raunchy dude sit-com that ran for six years on FX network.

Creep is also funny, but in a really uncomfortable way. It’s a found-footage duet with director Patrick Brice, in which Duplass is Josef, a terminally ill man spending a day with hired videographer Aaron (Brice), on hand to document Josef’s farewell statements to his unborn son, Buddy.

From the moment Aaron accepts the job, driving way out hell and gone to a remote cabin in the woods, things just get gradually weirder and darker, his unease growing like a pea plant.

Josef turns out to be a human hurricane of passive/aggressive tactics, finding every opportunity to frighten Aaron, and then quickly apologize for his increasingly bizarre behavior.

Push and pull back. Push and pull back. It becomes a dance between the two men, as Josef tells Aaron disturbing stories about his life and wife, as they wander through the woods, eat pancakes at a diner, and return to Josef’s cabin.

Aaron, the consummate professional, is rattled by Josef’s manner that oscillates between pledges of warm friendship and frozen moments of cold confession that should be setting off screaming alarm bells in the head of someone with more common sense.

After having spent the day with Josef, he’s in a hurry to get home and work on the footage—or more likely to escape his merry menacing employer.

Sadly, like Chris Washington in Get Out, Aaron can’t find his car keys.

Josef is many things, chief among them a manipulative predator, but he is also a conflicted artist exploring his (romantic?) feelings for Aaron—and indeed the rest of humanity—by making his own films about the people he meets, that he keeps stored like treasured mementos.

Or lost lover letters. And he definitely has a type. When Aaron receives a heart-shaped locket delivered inside a stuffed wolf, he probably should have considered a change of address.

I will endeavor to find out more about the titular antagonist in Creep 2 and The Creep Tapes on AMC. Apparently, Josef’s been a busy boy, making all sorts of new friends.

Ash (2025)

Get off the planet, or don’t! Makes no difference to me.

Directed by musician Tiny Lotus, Ash is an artsy, indulgent amalgam of sci-fi/horror plot points (from Alien, The Thing, Invasion of the Body Snatchers) that never coalesces into anything terribly original or memorable.

Riya Ortiz (Eiza Gonzalez) is the only survivor of a crew of terra-farmers on KOI-442, a dark, distant planet nicknamed Ash, due to its volcanic activity. Her fellow farmers have been murdered and Riya’s own memories of the traumatic incident are bloody, strobe-light fragments, that Tiny Lotus thoughtfully inserts every few minutes or so.

She is soon joined by another crew member, Brion (Aaron Paul), who’s dropped in from the observation satellite after receiving a distress call. Is he here to help or does he have his own agenda?

Ash provides a teachable moment for aspiring directors. If you’re going with a tiny cast, a little time spent on character development would help immeasurably. Riya and Brion are cyphers in space, and might as well be Nancy and Sluggo for all we care.

A 50-50 chance that one of these nonentities has been infected by a vague assimilating presence from the planet’s defense system isn’t really bringing anything hot and tasty to the table.

Add to this a halting narrative told in flashback, a meandering pace, low lighting (when it’s not strobed), and an intrusive techno score, and you have ample reason to skip it.

Tiny Lotus has his moments as a visual stylist, creating a believably unstable alien landscape. But there’s nobody home, dramatically speaking.

When TL reheats a trope from a better movie, it’s just a bitter reminder that Alien, The Thing, etc, are superior examples of dynamic genre filmmaking—that we could be watching instead.

Whether or not Ash is a complete waste of time depends on one’s fondness for a concept that’s already used up several miles of celluloid, namely, who, what, where is the alien menace and who can I trust?

Trust me, you’re not missing anything interesting on planet Ash.